A Record of HUEmanity

Authors note:

Thought of this concept a year ago. Originally designed to be a childrens story to teach the primary hues, it has since has expanded to encompass it’s own world, nations, and culture. “A Record of HUEmanity” is just a slight overview of the world and a little of it’s history leading up into the present age. I plan on expanding the world and having stories take place within different eras of time. Enjoy and as always leave comments.

In a galaxy in a distant universe there existed a planet called Wheel. Planet Wheel was made up of many different forms of life. Fowl flew the skies, quadrupeds trotted the earth, and fish swam the seas. But of the many diverse divisions of life on Wheel, the most dominant was the species of the Hueman.

The Huemans were made up of three distinct tribes, Cyan, Magenta and Yellow. Collectively, the tribes were known as the Primary. The Primary reigned supreme over Wheel and they divided the planet into three separate lands where each tribe lived peacefully in their own territory. The peaceful Yellow tribes populated the warm coastal eras and became proficient fishermen. The mathematical Cyan tribes’ constructed monolithic wonders high atop the snow peaked mountains. And the rigid Magenta tribes tamed the unforgiving sands of the scorching desert wastelands.

Though the Primary had been divided by territory, they all maintained a common social structure in that there was a class system made up of sages, farmers, and hunters. Sages were blessed with the ability to speak directly to the Great Crystal Prism above through prayer and rituals and acted as mentors to keep peace and stability on Wheel. Farmers were responsible for cultivating the land and providing grains and fruit for the citizens. Hunters were tasked with all acts of necessary combat such as hunting game and defending the village from savage beasts.

Trade and commerce were frequent among the Primary as any hue form neighboring tribes were always welcome in the other’s territory. The most popular item for trade was knowledge as many ideas and teachings from various subjects were exchanged. The most common of these ideas was of a prophecy called the Additive Encroachment from the ancient holy book of Subtractive. The Additive Encroachment spoke of a great calamity…

“1.And I saw them. Seven hues, three of which were known to me as Magenta, Cyan and Yellow. 2. The other four were alien yet familiar to me. 3. One seemed like a mixture of Magenta and Yellow which I called him Orenge. 4. One seemed like a mixture of the Cyan and Yellow which I called Grēne. 5. The final two seemed like twin mixtures of Magenta and Cyan which I called Violete and Blue- Violete. 6. The seven hues then stretched into seven rays of light with Red being the longest ray and Violete being the shortest and the rays were absorbed by the Great Prism. 7. Then, behold on the opposite side of the Great Prism reflected a Hue the likes of which I have never seen. 8. This hue was so magnificent that a Hue it was not, something more it was.

9. Then I had second vision. The seven hues were once again gathered and they began to multiply into all the Hues imaginable and unimaginable. 10. The hundreds of Hues then formed into one single Hue to which I had never before seen. 11. I could also not describe this Hue fore, unlike the other which radiated a majestic glow; this was dark and thick and engulfed all that surrounded it. 12. The two Unnameables then charged at one another and collided with a force so mighty that the skies shrieked, the lands trembled, and the seas erupted. 13. And when the dust settled, neither of the Unnamables were left standing but instead a depressing, lonely Hue which dulled the entire planet.”

To this end, the Primary vowed that Hues from different tribes could never reproduce with each other in order to keep the Additive Encroachment at bay. During this time, Hues of mixed tribes had been common. The Sages, fearful that their mixed blood could awaken the prophecy, ordered a mass round up. The Mixed were taken aboard a ship to be executed but a young hero named Fuse, who was also of Mixed descent took control of the ship and fled his people to a distant island.

Generations passed and a young sage named Confu-Ya from the Cyan and a farmer girl from the Yellow adored each other since their youth when they first met. The two knew that regardless of how they felt for each other, their love could never be due to the treaty of the Additive Encroachment. Confu-Ya, desperately trying to find an answer to his dilemma meditated for many suns and moons with no nourishment and came to the conclusion he would have to trick his peers into a false state of security. Thus Confu-Ya forged a manuscript called the Saturation Scrolls which explained in detail how to construct a device to counter the Additive Encroachment.

Confu-Ya passed the Saturation Scrolls to his peers and after years of intense study, was met with much satisfaction from all. Only the sages of the Magenta disagreed and remained true to tradition. Confu-Ya, satisfied that Cyan and Yellow accepted his hoax embraced his lover and the two married. Years Later, Confu-Ya and his wife produced their first son who was a Hue the complexion of green. News of this event spread to the Blue and Yellow and it wasn’t long until Red heard of it as well.

The Magenta, furious that Cyan and Yellow would break generations of tradition and endanger Wheel by their selfish actions began to send spies to keep watch over Cyan and Yellow. A decade passed and many more Cyan and Yellow hues had begun to intermarry and produce more green hues. Around this same time, Ruby, the princess of the Magenta, had been secretly involved in an affair with Prince Lemon of the Yellow. When Princess Ruby gave birth to her first child, to Lord Vodka and her fiancées surprise, the infant was orange in hue and not magenta. It was at this time that the sages decided they could be patient no longer and launched an offensive campaign against the Yellow.

The initial strike came with no warning. Hundreds of Magenta soldiers charged into the Yellow territory and flanked the throne of Chief Squash. The Red soldiers recited to Chief Squash the official decree of King Vodka stating the arrest and capture of Prince Lemon. Failure to meet Vodka’s demands would result in conflict. Chief Squash rebuked the decree and was met with a blade impaled within his chest in response.

Prince Lemon was chained and dragged away to the Magenta territory where he was imprisoned until his execution date was determined. Meanwhile, the Yellow were in a state of panic and confusion as Magenta soldiers set up military occupation of their territory. Because the Yellow were a care free and peaceful people, their military strength was non-existent and within a day the majority of the Yellow territory had been claimed by Magenta.

The sages of the Cyan decided to remain neutral during the conflict but eventually were forced to take action and voice their thoughts on the invasion. The Magenta sages criticized the Cyan sages and blamed them for the decline of the world because it was a sage from their tribe that broke the forbidden rule. The Cyan sages commanded their soldiers to the remnants of the Yellow territory in order to police peace and open their doors for refugees while Magenta hues were banned from entry.

Lord Vodka grew enraged at the Cyan’s actions and hastily demanded that the Cyan soldiers vacate the Yellow territory or they would expel them by force. Sovereigness Aqua of the Cyan reassured her soldiers to stand their ground which left Lord Vodka with no choice but to back up his word and the order to attack the Cyan was issued. The Magenta soldiers had the advantage in numbers and drove the Cyan soldiers out of their territory.

While the Magenta soldiers kept watch over their borders, the Cyan regrouped and strengthened their defenses in case of a Magenta invasion. Lord Vodka, not wanting to lose momentum of battle, ordered his troops to advance and invade the Cyan territory. The Cyan held their defensive front and when the Red grew fatigued, went on the offensive and expelled them from their territory.

The Wheel War continued  for another decade with the Cyan advancing towards total victory because they were aided not only by surviving Yellow hues but also by the new green hues that surpassed the potential of their predecessors. The Magenta were forced to do the hypocritical and forced their Yellow POWs to mate with Magenta hues to produce offspring who the sages documented as having superior combat poetintial than Magenta hues. The Magenta maintained stability for another 15 years and began deploying their secret legion of orange assassins in hopes of turning the tides of war. Ironically, the orange assassins are led by Shodan Ball, the son of the late Princess Ruby and Prince Lemon. Unaware of his true origins, Ball wanted nothing more but to serve the Magenta honorably and win the Wheel War so he could be free to live his own life.

Early one sunrise, the orange assassins snuck into the Cyan territory and in 5 moons, advanced into Soverigness Aqua’s throne. Shodan Ball attempted to kill the Soverigness but Lady Emerald, Soverigness Aqua’s personal guardian, counterd his attack. A skirmish broke out between Ball and his assassins versus Emerald and her guardians until Ball landed a decisive blow against Emerald. By this time however, Soverigness Aqua had been evacuated to safety and Ball and his surviving assassins retreated to safety.

With the assasination attempt failed, food scarrace, and soldiers dying by the multitude, Magenta was on the verge of surrender but the sages developed a new combat technique. The sages discovered that by vibrating their bodies at intense speeds, they were able to defragment into pigments and then fuse with each other resulting in a warrior that was twice as strong but occupied less space and required less food. Lord Blood, the adopted son of the late Lord Vodka, ordered his warriors to surround and defend the capitol while the sages taught them the pigment defragmentation technique.

Soverigness Aqua reaching the final days of her life and having witnessed the Wheel War span two generations, was more determined than ever to finally put an end to the bloodshed and ordered her warriors to charge the Magenta and deliver the fatal blow. The Magenta soldiers, outnumbered two to one, unleashed their new ability on the unsuspecting Cyan. Within minutes the Magenta numbers were cut in half and thinking victory was on their side, the Cyan pressed forward. However, they were not prepared for the new found power of the fused Magenta soldiers and the Magenta, with help from their orange counterparts, stood their ground and brought the battle to a stalemate.

Within weeks, the power of the pigment defragmentation had served its purpose and the Magenta were once again dominating. The Cyan sages knew that they needed a way to counter the pigment defragmentation and began to search for an answer. Thus after many sleepless nights they devised a new weapon called bullet. The bullet was only the size of a baby’s finger but what it lacked in size it made up for in lethality. Inside every bullet was a poisonous liquid and when shot into its victim with a long barreled peripheral called a gun, the poison would seep out from the tip of the bullet. If the victim didn’t die from the bullet being lodged into his insides then the poison would finish him off.

The Cyan sages passed the new technology to all the Cyan and green soldiers and instructed them in their use. While the Magenta gained the advantage in the war, they could no longer deal with the adding complications threatening its tribe and Lord Blood is forced to make a humiliating surrender to Soverigness Aqua. As Lord Blood advanced to Soverigness Aqua to sign the surrender treaty, Blood defragmented and astonishingly fusesed himself with five of his strongest soldiers. The resulting fusion, Lord Blood-Hexad, showed power no other hue before had mastered and single handedly rampaged his way through Soverigness Aqua’s soldiers.

Even with their guns, the Cyan and green soldiers are cast aside like flies. Though Soverigness Aqua was elderly, she was able to see a flaw in Lord Blood-Hexad’s technique. By fusing with so many hues, his speed and power had multiplied but his mind was in chaos. The Soverigness ordered a firing squad to shoot down Lord Blood-Hexad as he rampaged his way into her direction. The firing squad shoots round after round after round into Lord Blood-Hexad but he soldiered on.

Bullets ineffective, the firing squad, and last defense of Soverigness Aqua, meet the charging Hexad head on. Hexad plowed through the opposition as they collided and advanced to Soveringess Aqua. Hexad roared out a battle cry as he raised his fist in preparation of smashing Aqua to the ground. Aqua inhaled deeply and skillfully sidesteped Hexad’s strike. The momentum from Hexad’s rush however sends them both careening to the ground.

In mid fall, Aqua removes two thin, metal rods from a strap on her wrist and pointed them upwards. As the entirety of Hexads massive body weight fell on Aqua, the two rods were plunged deep into his throat.

The inability to breathe coupled with the poisoning of the bullets took their effect and brung Hexad to a standstill. Knowing his life was near its end; Hexad mustered up his remaining strength and struck Aqua with a devastating head butt to her cranium. The two rulers, relinquished of life, lay stationary soaked in each others blood.

Twin Tragedy of the Samos

-Autthor’s note

Wrote this lil slice of heaven maybe two or three years ago; the exact date escapes me. TTS was supposed to be the the first episode of a trilogy to which has yet to surface. I find that after reading TTS, most viewers are left with a taste of disdain in their mouths for leading actress Nakia but maybe you think otherwise. Feel free to leave a comment and tell me what you think.

In a part of the sea, unexplored by the general populace, a lone scouting boat battles against a raging storm. The wood of the boat moans and buckles as gallons upon gallons of water splash on top of its deck. The solitary navigator of the ship is tossed about like a pinball as she desperately tries to regain control. But to no avail she is carried away by the savage waters of Fa’atiu and washed upon the shores of an uncharted island.

A local island boy is practicing his early morning exercises when he stumbles upon the body of the woman and quickly brings her back to his fales to heal her of her injuries. At first glance of the mysterious stranger, the boy’s family scorns him for bringing her to the fales because the hue of her red hair bears an ill omen. The boy ignores their ramblings and slowly begins to fall in love with the woman as he surveys the motion of her slumbering body. Her stomach slowly heaving up and down reminding him of the waves of the ocean that he adored so much.

When the woman finally came to her senses, the boy quickly rushes to her side with a basket of fruit. Puzzled by her surroundings and shocked by the strange, wild boy dashing at her, the woman leaps to her feet and rushes past the boy, stopping only to hide in the concealment of the palm trees. The boy begins to chase after her but his elder stops him and informs him that he has more important duties to attend to.

The woman watches from the distance as the boy walks to a field and unearths a gleaming, golden egg and carefully carries it like a new born infant back to his fales. The next day passes and the woman wants to make amends to the boy for her rudeness so she gives him an eye patch from her purse and cooks a meal for him. The boy is delighted that he didn’t frighten away his guest and eagerly accepts her gift. Even though they speak dissimilar languages, the woman is able to introduce herself to the boy as Nakia and the boy to her as Taro.

Over a course of the next four suns Nakia gives Taro four gifts which were a metal comb, a copper anklet, a pair of weighted bracelets, and a stone necklace. And over the next four moons Nakia cooks Taro a hearty dinner with each meal growing larger in size in succession. And after every meal, while Taro slumbers, Nakia goes off to the shore and repairs her damaged boat. Nakia informs Taro that if he wears the gifts on his body for six days straight and eats every bite of her meals that she will live with him forever.

On the sixth day, Nakia woke up to the sunrise just as she did every day since being stranded on the island and searched the horizon for any sign of rescue before working on her boat. To her bewilderment, off in the distance she recognizes the large brooding sails of her mother ship the Larcener and quickly went into the brush to make a bonfire and from the smoke of that fire she created a symbol informing the Larcener that she needed rescuing. Captain Swift of the Larcener quickly distinguishes the signal and shoots 3 roaring rounds into the serene sky informing Nakia to get ready for departure.

That night Nakia cooks Taro a feast fit for seven men. And as Taro agreed, he ate every last bite. But completing the meal took so much out of poor Taro that he instantly went into a state of itus. Nakia took no time to hesitate and quickly pilfered his golden egg, snuck out of the fales, and made a mad dash toward the beach to meet up with the Larcener.

Some minutes later, Taro awakes to the stinging bite of a mosquito. It’s only a matter of time before he realizes that Nakia and his golden egg are both gone and he follows Nakia’s sand prints desperately trying to catch up to her. But to Taro’s dismay, the gifts previously given to him by Nakia have turned into a curse. His newly combed hair and eye patch blur his vision. The copper anklet unnaturally skews his agility. The weighted bracelets strain his arms and the stone necklace bounces painfully from one lung to the other.

Meanwhile, Nakia boards the Lancer and gleefully runs into the arms of the adventurous and daring but sometimes lazy Captain Swift. Nakia then reveals to Swift her new acquisition, the golden egg. A sly smirk creeps across Swift’s face and spreads into a lawless roar of laughter. Taro finally arrives to the beach but it’s already too late as the Lancer starts to drift away into the current. Taro foolishly jumps into the water after them but he doesn’t swim far before his entire body begins to cramp up from the giant feast he had just eaten earlier.

As Taro sluggishly sinks beneath the waves he realizes that the gifts given to him by Nakia, gifts he thought were given to him by an act of love were really just an ill act of deception. Taro’s lungs are engulfed by the salty sea water and he curses himself for being such a fool and not listening to the warnings of his friends and family who loved him without falter for the entirety of his life. Not only did the Island of Samos lose a prince but they lost their most coveted treasure, the golden egg. The Lancer sail’s away from the island into the moonlight, never to be seen by the people of Samos again.

Great Moment in Hookup History: The Hunter Grows his Fangs

10-23-2010

So I was at work doin what I do, you know selling knowledge to the kids and single handedly fixing the economy. I exercised earlier in the day so while I was working, I was feeling the euphoria your body makes to combat the aches and pains you get after the workout aka the natural high. So i’m feelin good, feelin loose, doing my thing when I see this attractive lady (and that’s all I’m gonna say cause I’m tryna keep it PG-13) looking around confused.

She tells em she’s looking for a veggie cookbook as a gift for a friend. While I’m helping her, we start to banter back and forth and to my amazement she’s pretty damn funny. I’m not saying she’s the next Dave Chappelle or anything but she genuinely cracked a laugh out of me and that isn’t easy to do. During out talk she tells me she’s also looking for an apron so I suggest she try the Target in Atlantic Station as they have a wide assortment. After we find her books I take her to the register and give her a shit load of discounts she shouldn’t of been getting.

Now to be honest, at this point I was diggin her personality (and dat ass wasn’t hurting things either) and I wanted to ask her for her phone number so we could talk or hangout. Now here’s the dilemma, this situation has happened to me a number of times before. Usually I have a chance to ask the subject at hand her number while I’m helping them but I don’t want them to feel like if they say “no” the customer service is gonna end. I don’t wanna come off as a jerk or a creep or something. Usually I decide that waiting till after she finishes paying would be the opportune moment to ask her out.

That way she’s done shopping and she won’t have to feel like she has to say “yes” if she doesn’t want to. But that never works cause I usually bitch out and let them walk away. And today my friends was no different. After saying her “thank you’s”she walked right out. Two of my co-workers were there and they only served to make matters worse by complimenting on how cute and natural we looked together. At this point it begins to eat away in my mind. Here was this girl who was absolutely fantastic and I let her walk away. Who knows what might have been.

I check my watch and notice its 30min past 4 which means I was supposed to be on break 30min ago. I have an hour to waste and I remember telling her to go to Target to check the aprons. Now my mind begins to talk to me, telling me that maybe if I checked Target, she might be there and I could make up for my cowardice but there’s no way to really know if she’d be there or not. But I’m an 80s kid so I said “fuck it” put my Survivor mix in the rotation on my mp3 player, and speed walked my ass to Target like my life depended on it.

1/3rd of the way there I’m almost run over by my ex-facebook-baby’s-mama and her laughing pal. Normally I would of turned around and delivered some divine justice in the form of my right palm but today that would have to wait. After narrowly navigating my way through a dark tunnel and climbing up a giant mud hill, I make my way to Target. I check my watch and I have about 40min left. No time to act bad ass so I do something I haven’t done since I grew hair on my pubes and ask a sales associate for help. All three lady clerks are instantly mesmerized by my handsomeness. I give credit to the contrast my long, ebony, hair made against my crisp, white, turtleneck.

On any other day I would of flirted with them but today I was on a mission so I said my thanks and headed towards the apron aisle. At this point I’m thinking “you treid your best buddy but what did you really expect” but as soon as I turn the corner, BAM! She’s there. And the first thing she says to me is “Hey, the guy from the other store. You’re stalking me.” We laugh it off and after successfully convincing her I wasn’t crazy (or at least the murdering kind) and checking up on her apron search (Target apparently has horrible selections), I lay it down flat. I tell her that I think she’s cool to which she reply’s “you should because I am” (BADASS) and if I could have her number…unless she had a boyfriend or something. Well bad news guys, she did have a boyfriend. But good news, I got dem digits anyway. After parting ways I skipped my happy ass back to work to tell my coworker/relationship coach of my journey.

He was blown beyond belief at not only the length I traveled but the fact that I succeeded. He tells me he’s seen many men attempt what I did today and on average it’s not a success story. So today I proudly earned a new nick name, “The Hunter.” And this has been another great moment in hook up history.

10am

 

WARNING

To PROPERLY read this post, click the play button to enable the audio player below.

Next, and this step is very important, read this topic like sex,

in one full motion, one dynamic thrust, don’t stop.

Under no circumstances DON’T STOP.

http://www.youtube-mp3.org/#v=kW_9cZUy3Ok

(If the above links does not work, go to the screen below and press play button for audio.)

The sun rises from the east, it’s ultra violent rays stretching upwards, stabbing the atmosphere ever so gently. A boy-no-a man crouches on the ground below. The cold, lifeless, pavement reminds him where he is. THE STREETS- the most dangerous habitat known to man. But this man has known these streets his entire life and a few incarnations before that. A hawk shrieks from above and like clockwork, his American heart begins to beat. Faster and faster until he is no longer motionless but trucking through every atom the troposphere can throw at him. Moving faster and faster the world around him is nothing but a blur. His thighs and his calves propel him forward but his heart pumps a steady stream of blood, empowering him to reach speeds previously thought unimaginable. The recycled winds of a million millenniums-that’s right, a million- flow through his mane, soothing him when he tires but pushing him when he needs it the most. Up the stairs he marches, the man made mountain taunts him with every step. Almost to the top, his lungs begin to burn. He ignores it, knowing full well the current pain is nothing compared to the pain of defeat. He is running on “e” now. The sounds of his pants, grunts, and moans are the lyrics to his theme song. A song that can only be expressed through the soul. With one final step he propels himself vertically and mounts the wild beast that was the staircase, taming it for all future generations. Do you know this pain? Do you know this pleasure? Rise up from your couches! Cast thine eyes away from the deathly, luminescent, glow of your mac books. The time for action is now! Can’t you hear it? With every car honk, every dog bark, the streets are calling! Will you answer the call? It’s okay if you don’t recognize the number PICK UP THE PHONE!

Why Don’t College Kids Use Wash Cloths?

12-19-10


Suds mutha fucka!

When I left home and ventured into the college life, I was hit with a lot of culture clash. Most of which I’ve been able to handle but some things still irk me. One of these things is the inability for college students to own wash cloths. Maybe it’s just me but where I come from (the streets) people use wash cloths to scrub their asses. For those people that think it’s ok to just use soap and nothing else, let me tell you now, it’s NOT ok.

For one it’s disgusting for everyone else that has to use the same bar of soap. I constantly have to think about the last place you washed and the first place I wash and change my bathing methods accordingly. Two, you don’t get the same scrubbing power from a bar of soap that you would from a wash cloth. Wash cloths have been scientifically engineered to have micro scrubbers and other shit like that that get all into the crevices and depths of dat ass.

And what if you have guests? What are your guests going to use to bathe themselves if you don’t have a healthy supply of towels and wash cloths? Am I too refined or are people just slobs?

I Might Have a Problem


12-18-10

Last night while hanging with the fellas there was nothing to do so to battle boredom we went to Kroger. My friends were about the beer but I was about the munchies. After getting back to the pad we all gathered round the futon and indulged in conversation. I’m not a big drinker and I usually frown on alcohol as a whole. Not because I have some philosophical belief against it but because every time I’m presented with a drink it tastes like dime store Robitussin. I’m not a believer of the “acquired state” philosophy. If it tastes like shit then I’m not drinking it.

But back to the subject, I had just finished a huge bag of peppered beef jerky and my mouth was craving liquid to soothe the drought. Since all the dishes were dirty my only option was to crack open a bottle. Lucky for me we had a shipment of Mike’s Hard Lemonade so I grabbed one of those and began guzzling. Just to remind you, I’m not a big drinker so by the time I finished the bottle my mellow was on high. It was at this moment that I finally understood why people became alcoholics. It feels fucking fantastic.

Now the problem began the following morning because when I woke up I instantly craved more of that shit. I had to will power myself into eating an apple and calming my ass down. Even after a very successful workout, (that’s a blog for another time), as soon as I stepped back into the house the craving returned. I feel like this may be the beginning to a horrible future.

The Funny Man gets no Respect


12-16-10

The Funny man gets no respect

A lot of people don’t know me but the few that do swear that I’m funny and I’m inclined to agree with them cause I’m fucking hilarious. If you think otherwise, you’re stupid, but that’s besides the point. I noticed early on in life, during my high school years, that being the designated “funny  man” in a group is no picnic. To the entertained, it seems like a wonderful time. people laugh at your jokes, everyone always wants to be around you, happiness and merry seem to follow you where ever you go. But to the entertainer, we see a different vantage point.

Maybe it’s just me, and it probably is, but I’ve never been able to cope with the monumental responsibilities of being the funny man. Not to say it’s a lot of work; I don’t go home every night and prepare material or anything. What I’m talking about is the pressure of public admiration. When you’re up there on that pedestal, people expect EVERYTHING you say to be funny. Every goddamned thing.

See the funny man gets no brakes, gets no reprisals. Even jocks have an off season but for the funny man there is only constant entertainment. The more they are adored the more the public demands more from them. In time the entertained become like parasites, needing, feeding, craving off the very life of the entertainer. And this would be cool if the entertained had any kind of decency, but usually they do not.How do I know this? because I too was once a funny man in my youth.

And i know there is no greater pain for a funny man to see the look of hope and anticipation in the eyes of the entertained, just waiting for you to say something that’ll rock their socks. But there comes that fateful day in every funny mans life when the jokes stop. All of a sudden Ms. Mitchelson’s saggy arms just don’t seem that funny anymore and you’d rather learn about Roman history cause that shit appeals to you but they don’t care. They continue to make sideways glances at you from across the room, waiting for you to make your next snicker, but it never comes.

Now the entertained are disappointed and when they get disappointed they become straight bitches. That’s right my dude, no more free chocolate milk at lunch cause now these mother fuckers have moved on to the next funny man and you’re old news. Just used up and spit out they leave you on the corner like a bum. That’s why I write these words, to warn all you current and future funny men and women about the dangers of the business.

Pace yourself, use your one liners and zingers for the everyday shit but save your rock bottoms and tombstone pile drivers-you know, the good shit-for when you really need it. Above all, don’t get the people what they want. If you do that you’ll always be a slave to the laugh. You gotta train those asses like animals cause that’s they really are. Make your own schedule and STICK TO IT. Be funny on Mondays and Fridays but keep it conservative in between.

REMEMBER, you’re not a whore so don’t treat yourself like one.Don’t just make everyone laugh, don’t just give it away. Keep dem legs closed and wait for the right moment cause timing… well babe, that’s everything.

And for all my brothers and sisters who’ve already got caught in the hustle, I know it hurts, but the wounds do heal. Take it from me, a former funny man who traded in his “ha ha’s” for “oooh ahh’s,” his “jigga-boo’s for nigga whos.”  There is life after funny, I crossed the road many years ago and i ain’t never goin back.