How to Dump Your Girlfriend: The Douchedog Way

*Note – Today’s article written by Douchedog not to be confused with Coyote.

Don’t have the courage to do it the right way? Realized you made a horrible mistake and just wanna get outta that bitch as quickly as possible. Fear not junior-men, Douchedog has been there and he has just the program for you.

1. Be Distant: The Solid Snake Method

The first thing you want to do is distance yourself from your tragedy. If she can’t find you then she can’t see you and if she doesn’t see you then you’re technically not in a relationship, right? Right. Depending on how long you’ve been going out determines on how much effort you have to put into this first step. If it’s only been a few weeks then you’re in luck, the relationship is greener than baby shit so it should be easy for you to give em the switch.

For all you unlucky bastards that have been stuck for months then your partner by now already knows your entire routine which probably includes sitting on your ass from morning to noon playing Call of Duty, taking a quick break to eat and shit (gotta take care of your bowels! ^_^) and then sitting right back on your ass to finish up that Call of Duty.  You my friend need to shake it up to the max. Start hanging out in spots you usually wouldn’t be found, like the park. Try going to a restaurant for your nachos instead of 7 Eleven. Simple things like this can really score you some good stealth points. Hell if you really wanna go for max effect volunteer to go places with her and then randomly disappear on her ass not to be seen for 2 weeks later. They love that. Remember not to answer your phone, it adds to the mystery. ^_^ Once you’ve jabbed her mind with your confusing disappearances, it’s time to throw in the right hook. 

2. Become Bizzarro-You

This next step should be enough to end most unhappy relationships. Now that you’ve mastered the Solid Snake Method, time to go in for the kill. Remember how you conquered your girlfriend? Being really nice, buying her flowers, “understanding her,” basically all the shit you’d never do if your dick wasn’t in the driver seat, well it’s time to undo all of that. Ev-er-y thang? EV-ER-Y- THANG.  By this point you know you’re already a  bitch by staying in a relationship you didn’t wanna be in 5 months ago so you should have no problem changing everything about your personality to make her hate you.

Start telling her how stupid that designer hat makes her look. “Do I look fat in these jeans?” “YES.” It doesn’t have to end with verbal abuse either. Non-verbal communication works better than words cause it’s just so awkward. Sit on a couch next to her, turn your head and just mean mug the shit out of her. Like really think of the most putrid, disgusting, dégout smelling fart your big brother/older cousin ever forced you to smell. Think about how hopeless and afraid you felt. Now transfer all of that energy into you penance stare. Look her straight in the eyes and just let it go.

3. It’s not you It’s me 

That’s right, it’s a classic for a reason. If for some odd reason your relationship as survived step 2 then you might as well bust out this line. It works every time all the time. I’m not gonna lie, it makes you look like a real stereotypical man-bitch but be honest with yourself, you wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place if you weren’t a genuine, grade A, monkey’s uncle, man-bitch. So don’t feel bad, you got your entire life to change but for right now you gotta mission to complete and soldier, when it comes down to the final hour a bitch has gotta do what a bitch has gotta do