Roommate Wars

It’s been 3 weeks and the sink is full of dishes, there’s a black ring around the bath tub, and the air stanks of Fritos and must. Face it, you’re in a roommate war. Most people freak out when under these conditions and eventually end up caving in to the pressure of an overbearing roommate. But today that all changes. After reading this simple self-help guide, you too can be the victor of your own personal roommate wars instead of being a chump.

 Blame it on a Scapegoat

If you’re living in a three or more man household, chances are there’s always gonna be one odd man out. Use this to your advantage (assuming you are not the odd one and if you are, fear not, I have something for you later). Start blaming things on the scapegoat, the coffee stain on the floor, the broken lamp, as long as no one can prove you did it then anything is fair game. The scapegoat can even be out of the house for the majority of the house meaning that most of the stuff he’s being blamed for isn’t possible for him to commit but because he so intensely despised, all logic will be thrown out the window. Be warned, use this method sparingly, overused it can blow up in your face and make you look guilty.

 Scapegoat’s Revenge

Ok, so you’re that unlucky bastard that always gets the blame. maybe sometimes it is you, most likely most times it isn’t who knows? You do. And if you’re innocent then revenge is probably the first thing on your mind. Since everyone in the house is against you, you need to bring in some back up. Assemble a team of your closest, wisest, most loyal friends and invite them over. Let em know that you’re out gunned and you need some tactical support in the form of blind piety. Invite em over and have em laugh at all your corny jokes, support all your whacked out philosophies and most important, denounce EVERYTHING negative your roommates say about you. it’s not gonna get you well liked but it’s always better to have a friend in the fox hole with you.

 Become One with the Filth

 In order to successfully combat filth you must first learn to live with it in harmony. In mastering this skill, dirt will no longer bother you because in time you will understand that you ARE the dirt. befriend the green mold living on your countertop, crunch the crust collected on your dishes with your bare hands , feel it, smell it, taste it. Once you can do this you will be ready for anything.

Be Crazier Then the Next Guy

Roommate culture is a lot like prison in the fact that if you’re too soft you’re gonna get run over. Being nice don’t mean shit in the pen or in the den. What you gotta do is walk the thin line between normality and insanity. Pay your rent on time but dissapear for days at random. Smile  politely when interacting with your roomates then randomly spazz out in violent outbursts. Basically be responsible enough to handle all the important aspects like rent but always keep em guessing as to what crazy shit you’re gonna do next. That way you’re normal enough to not get kicked out yet crazy enough to where no one wants to cross you.

Have a roommate situation that’s not addressed in this forum? Leave your complaint below and I’ll tell you how to get over.


2 responses to “Roommate Wars

  1. Yes, I have a crazy situation that sounds very much like the one you described above. Thankfully, I’m the Alpha male and I have no problem ass raping my other two roommates if they ever crossed me. I must say, your wisdom is infinite and precise, though I have a particular question for you that was not discussed in the post. What do I do about a roommate who keeps making funny faces even when he doesn’t know he’s doing it? He pays his rent on time, especially the one-hundred and ninety dollars due this Monday, he shares his food graciously, and he’s pretty neat; usually cleaning up after himself and occasional guests.

    But that face, I just can not stand those expressions. The way he contorts his mouth, the way he scrunches his nose, and the implausible way he rolls his eyes counter to their normal rotation is just infuriating. I actually want to kill him. Overall, he’s a great guy, but what do I do about his KRAZY facial expressions?

    Thanks, Mr. Goo

    • First off, congrats on being the alpha male of your house hold, you’ve already won 95% of the battle. Second, seems like this guy making all the faces is hiding something. A deep, dark, secret revealing a terrible past or maybe it’s just bad indigestion. Either way he definatly has something up his sleeve so I’d be on my P’s and Q’s when around him. You know hoe the old saying goes, “no one likes a knife in their back.”

Am i wrong?...Am i?..And the church said

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