We Did It!

In under 24hrs Coyote Style has broken it’s own personal record for user visits in a single day. With a new record of 113 and counting we have smashed the previous record of 31. Myself and the Pack would like to thank all the visitors new and old because without you this would not have been possible. Here’s to continued success in the future.

Today’s post brought to you by the free wifi at McDonalds. We at Coyote Style and our mother site Cult Status would like to thank McDonalds for their continued support. McDonalds…

I’m lovin it.

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I Apologize

I’m gonna take the time right now to get something heavy off my chest. A few years ago, I stopped talking to a dear friend of mine. She and I, we went back. Like First day of school kindergarten back. We were great friends all the way up to high school. It’s funny, I remember how she used to feel so moist in my mouth when I ate her.

Looking back in hindsight, I realize how harsh I ended our relationship. I literally just stopped talking to her. No phone call, no explanation, just a perverbial “fuck you” and that was that.

A few days ago her name came up in a conversation with another pal of mine. Hearing her name again brought back pleasant memories and I decided to reach out to her again. Now it had been years since we last held any sort of contact but I was hoping we were both at a point in our lives where we could acknowledge the folly of our youth and move on. Luckily, that’s exactly what happened. I was very excited, you see, when I stopped seeing her all those years ago, I thought that I just wasn’t feeling her anymore, but that’s not the case. Turns out, I was just tired of the grape jelly, that’s all.

See I used to make my PB&J sandwiches with grape jelly. I tried this apple marmalade stuff at our reunion and it was incredible! So once again, PB&J, girl, I’m sorry. It wasn’t you that I wasn’t diggin anymore, it was just the grape jelly. Had I known then what I know now, I just would have switched to apple. Man, so much lost time, but that’s ok. We have our entire future to catch up. Tonight babe, I’m gonna eat you.

Series of the Summer: “Misfits”

The Brits have done it again!

What do you get when you combine a freak hail/electrical storm with 5 unruly adolescents? Super powers of course.Produced way back in 2009 but recently brought to American screens this year via Hulu, Misfits can simply be log lined as  Heroes done right. And by that I mean the writing is clever and CONSISTENT.

Be warned, the sex scenes are more graphic then us American’s are used to so make sure you can shield Lil Jimmy’s eyes when appropriate. There’s not a lot of them, just a healthy amount done incredibly well.

The music is also outstanding as the opening theme “Echoes” by The Rapture will instantly pull you in and have it’s way with your brain’s auditory cortex. I’m currently in love with the track “You’ve Got the Love” by Florence and the Machine from episode 1 when Kelly and her boyfriend…err, I’m saying too much. Just get outta here and check it out for yourselves before I spoil it for you

My new summer crush, Antonia Thomas

She's so cute!

Misfits can be found on Hulu which currently has Seasons 1 and 2. Season 3 is in production so make sure you get all caught up before it premieres or you’ll be stuck at the water cooler looking like a Simon.

I give Misfits the Coyote Paw of Approval.

This post made possible by the free wifi from Starbucks. Starbucks…because giving you free wifi is our pleasure.

“Come, sit next to me,”

the girl hurriedly whispered as she grabbed my necklace and guided me towards the empty seat next to her. I had no idea who she was nor did I particularly care. It’s not every day that a golden skinned, misty eyed, gazelle with legs from here to heaven invites you over for company. But in this case she was only using me. And I to her as well I suppose.

I block off the creepy guy with milk breath who insisted on continuing an unwanted conversation and she ups my “new kid” status by being able to talk to her and have everyone around us insinuating that we’re good friends…or maybe something more. I wonder, had I known then what I know now, would I have pursued her? Probably. Maybe this time I could change the future, alter the course of time so things turn out differently.

But it’s best not to get lost in my fantasy. That kind of wishful thinking is for dreamers. I’ve done too much of that in my lifetime. It’s part of the reason she’s gone. The years have come and gone but her blood will forever be on my hands. Consider this my confession to a crime that was never solved. I’m tired of the guilt and depression, the constant secrecy, pushing away friends when they get too close, and all the other vexations that came along with my successful malfeasance. I can no longer pretend that it didn’t happen. It did, and this was how.

“The Smurfs” Movie Trailer Review

The trailer opens up and we’re taken to a view of the night time sky where reportedly some UFO phenomena has been seen over Central Park.

This ain't ya Daddy's Smurffin Smurf flick.

I immediately lose all interest in the trailer and go off on a romp with my imagination on what would happen if the Smurfs landed in Central Park instead of flying over it. In my adaptation, the Smurfs land in Central Park and immediately have to fight off a wild and blood thirsty flock of pigeons. Sleepy Smurf doesn’t make it. Narcolepsy 1 Smurfs 0.

Enraged by the death of his brother, Grumpy Smurf arms himself with a pair of toothpicks and valiantly fights the rat birds. An unsanitary mixture of blood and breadcrumbs fly through the air as Grumpy Smurf defeats the last of the pigeons in a heroic Lord of the Rings type montage. Taking refuge in an abandoned tin can, Big Papa Smurf makes a grand speech mourning the death of Sleepy. Death does not discriminate (unless you die via a hate crime) and the Smurfs are no exception to the rule as Doepy Smurf cuts himself alongside the jagged edge of the tin can and succumbs to a deadly illness. Doc Smurf does all he can (not really) but is unable to save him. No one particularly cares however as Doepy Smurf was always a nuisance. Maybe if he hadn’t spent all his life being a jackass, pieing people in the face, someone would have given a damn.

The next day comes and Big Papa Smurf orders a scouting expedition to find food and get an overall sense of the strange land in which they’ve arrived. Sneezy Smurf, Doc Smurf, and Grumpy Smurf arm themselves with various Smurf-size debris and proceed with the mission. Meanwhile, Baby Smurf wanders out of the tin can and Big Papa Smurf goes Smurf-shit. Cursing up a storm and throwing obscene gestures, Big Papa Smurf orders Bashful Smurf to retrieve him. The camera then cuts to Big Papa Smurf as he turns his head slightly to the left, just enough to cover half his face in the shadows. And this happens.

“These fools. If Baby Smurf dies it will be the end of all Smurfen-kind as we know it; Fore he is the prophesied messiah child of Smurfdom legend.”

After Papa Smurf finishes his gloomy monologue, a scantly clad Smurfette holds her panties on the edge of her fore finger. The panties drop to the ground and she gives Papa Smuf “that look.” Papa Smurf palms his Smurf-berries and closes the tin can lid. Camera then cuts to Sneezy, Doc, and Grumpy running for their lives from an army of ants. Cutting a hard left, the Smurfs hide behind a back alley wall while the ants sniff the air for their scent. The ants are ready to give up when Sneezy Smurf sneezes and gives up their location. The ants come marching two by two  as the Smurfs slowly back up towards the ally wall. There is no escape.

Just as all hope seems lost a masked, Smurf-sized man somersaults in front of the three Smurfs and single handedly defeats all the ants with Smurf-Fu. The masked man turns to the Smurfs and takes off his mask. The Smurf’s “gasp.” Behind the mask is Bashful Smurf. Bashful  reveals that he is not the Bashful from this time but of the future.  He then points to the vertical scar over his eye giving proof that the future is no fucking joke.

Bashful tells the Smurfs that he came back to the past to stop a wrong from happening in hopes of making the future a better place. In the future Smurfette gives Big Papa Smurf a Smurfully-transmitted-disease. The disease infects Big Papa Smurf’s mind and he goes on a murderous rampage. Only Bashful Smurf survives the tragedy. Teaching himself the ancient art of Smurf-Fu, Bashful becomes an adept warrior but his power level is still not enough to defeat Big Papa.

Central Park just got Smurfed

Luckily, the ghost of Doc Smurf comes back to the Earth to mentor Bashful every now and then and teaches Bashful how to make a time machine. The camera pans up on Future Bashful’s face as he scowls ferociously. His mouth opens to say these words, “And now that I’m back from the future, I have only one mission…KILL PAPA.”

Doc, Grumpy, and Sneezy, never having met anyone from the fucking future, don’t know whether to trust Future Bashful or not but the guy did just save them from an army of ants single handedly and that’s more than big mouth Papa Smurf ever did so they fall in line. Later that night, after successful Smurf-sex with Smurfette, Big Papa Smurf begins to cry out in pain. Smurfette reaches her hand over to comfort him only to be slapped violently to the steel floor. Grabbing his Smurf-berries, Big Papa Smurf cries out “BITCH! What did you give me?!” Before Smurfette can answer, Big Papa Smurf’s hands wrap around her neck as he violently shakes the life out of her.

Future Bashful and the the crew arrive just in time to see Big Papa Smurf snap Smurfette’s neck. “Nooooooooooo!” Screams Future Bashful as he charges towards Big Papa. The two exchange a series of beautifully choreographed maneuvers before Future Bashful is kicked back to Doc, Grumpy, and Sneezy. “I came back too late. Smurfette has already given Big Papa the virus,” exclaims Future Bashful. “So what do we–ACHOO!– do now,” asks Sneezy. “Easy,” exclaims Grumpy, “Smurf his ass up!”

The guitar riffs for “Eye of the Tiger” begin to play and Future Bashful, Doc, Grumpy, and Sneezy take battle positions opposite Big Papa Smurf. As they all charge, the screen explodes into fire with the Smurfs logo crashing into the screen. And that’s my movie trailer review of “The Smurfs.” Eat it Hollywood.

In Time MovieTrailer Review

“In the late 21st century, time has replace money as the unit of currency.” Cool concept right? I thought so too. The trailer begins with the previous mentioned quote and goes on to explain how at 25 years old a person stops aging and from then on they are required to buy their remaining time on earth if they want to live. An interesting concept for the FUTURE because in today’s economy, niggas would be dying left and right.

Next we see “Mr Cry Me a River” Justin Timberlake complaining  about how much time it costs just to buy a cup a coffee and for once I couldn’t agree more with the “Rapist of Janet Jackson’s Left Titty.” I remember a simpler time when a Big mac, fries, and 20 ounce Cola only cost you 5 minutes but 8 minutes just for Coffee X? Fucking ridiculous. I hope the “X” stands for crack otherwise these dudes in the future are getting robbed.

In the next scene we are taken to a club and see a man in a brown suit ballin out of control with a century of time dangling on his wrist. But just like in any hood, present or future, some thugs break in and shake the man down for his time. Escaping to the bathroom, he is aided by Mr. Timberlake and the two escape into a rundown building. Here, the baller reveals himself to be 100 years old and schools the 28 year old Timberlake on the concept of overpopulation and other concepts he most likely learned from watching captain Planet in the 1990s. After being slipped a mickey from the OG Planeteer, Timberlake wakes up to find that the “old man at heart” has given him all his time.

With a new lease on life, Timberlake moves to the deluxe apartment in the sky and starts mixing it up with the rich folks. Where? A place called New Grennich where a simple cab ride costs 1 year of time. I’m also assuming that these New Grennich cab rides come with a free blowjob. Disgusted with the richie riches, Timberlake kidnaps a sexy, ginger, woman who looks to be worth about 500 years and goes out on the lamb. His mission? To steal time from the rich and give it to the poor. If only he could have given me back MY time I wasted on watching this trailer, then he’d be a real hero.

In the final parts of the trailer we see Timberlake and his hot, ginger, friend sexing it up, and running around the city, making it rain timeshares in the most impoverished ghettos the future has to offer. A raven haired, tough as nails, cop… from the future, is now on Timberlake’s tail and will stop at nothing to see him and his time rotting in a grave. Or maybe he just wants the former pop star to shell him out a few years, I really don’t know.

Only one thing is clear from watching this trailer and that is the longer I watch it the more it begins to suck. Like the premise of the movie itself, time is not this trailers friend.