When Uglies Attack: An In-Depth Look at the Epidemic Sweeping Our Nation

-Ugly (uhg-lee)


1. very unattractive or unpleasant to look at; offensive to the sense of beauty

2. morally revolting; ugly, crime

Ug-lie (Ug-lee)     


1. Someone born of the Homo-Uglian race Watch out for his kung fu beaver tooth

They say, every 22 seconds a baby is born. 63% of these babies will be born ugly.

An exceedingly high number, yes, I know. Since the turn of the new millennium the numbers of ugly babies being born round the world have soared through the roof. In the olden days, back in the 1980’s, the worlds stock of ugly people were reserved for third world countries such as the Dominican Republic, Tahiti, Istanbul, and other places you can’t locate on a map. But now times have changed. The ugly wave has swept to the far west reaching places like France, Europe, and even good ol US of A.

The numbers don’t lie. They are proven by SCIENCE

But why? Why did this epidemic spread past the poverty stricken lands of yore into our own back yards? The answer might shock you. Comparing DNA samples from ugly people to normal people, it seems that there is a mitochondrial strand called the J-cell that wraps around the double helix, giving Uglies their abnormal appearance. The J-cell victims, or “Jays” for short are cursed with this abnormality for life with the only cure being plastic surgery. But when you really think about it, underneath all that silicone, deep down in their bones and even further into their DNA, they’re still ugly.

In ancient times, when men were men, us normal people would gather together in mobs and we’d beat the Uglies with rocks and burning sticks. After a good thronging we’d then chase them from our communities forcing them to live the rest of their lives in exile.

A simpler time when an Uglie knew it’s place

Nowadays, in a time where men are men and sometimes women are men too, these tactics are deemed barbaric and uncivilized. Instead of beating our Uglies with sticks and screaming absurdities at them we stare at them awkwardly and vilify them behind their backs. Instead of chasing them out of our communities we allow them to live in our neighborhoods (as long as they don’t touch us of course). Yes, times have been good to the Uglies and now they have learned to take advantage of this kindness.

The ugly wave has gotten worse. Not only are there more of them but they are starting to mobilize, forming their own tight knit communities. And on July 4, 2003, the birth year of America for Christ sake, an ugly said “no.”

The first Uglie to say “no”

Somewhere along the line, the Uglies learned free will, a concept once reserved for the Normals. After Ceaser it was the beginning of the end. Soon the Uglies started fighting back and then in the world’s most renowned place for vanity and sophistication, an Uglie rose to the top of the pop charts  and became an icon. I believe they call her Lady Gaga.

Being “born this way” is no excuse

I couldn’t believe it at first so I had to see it with my own eyes. Low and behold, here was an ugly on a stage and people weren’t pelting her with objects, they were celebrating her. I felt like the world had been put under a spell and I was the only one seeing the truth. And that’s when it happened. The next day Uglies all over London marched in protest of civil rights. Soon the protesters collided with the nobility and all hell broke loose. London was burning and it was all because we loosened our vice grip on the Uglies.

When you give an Uglie an inch they take a mile

They smelled our weakness with their bulbous, wide, noses and they attacked; burning our beloved city in the process. The rioting lasted for days as you know until order was finally restored by the brave good looking men and women of the nobility. But if it’s one thing that I know about Uglies, it’s only a matter of time before they sharpen their talons and strike again. In case you are attacked by an Ugly, you need to be ready.

Tactic 1


Uglies are already ugly so they have nothing to lose in a fight. This makes them HIGHLY dangerous. If your face isn’t properly protected you too could be turned into one of them. As a precaution smear your face with Vaseline so if cut by their claws, a scar won’t form on your face.

Tactic 2

Breath through the mouth

Uglies have a horrid stench. Breath not through your nostrils but via your mouth. This way you will not succumb to their foul odor.

Tactic 3


There is nothing more an Ugly hates than his own reflection. In the wild, an Uglies natural habitat, mirrors do not exist so an ugly never has to confront the monstrosity that is it’s own appearance. Simply hold the mirror in front of the Uglies face and he will look away in terror.

Tactic 4

A Stick

Uglies hate being hit with sticks. There is no ancient lore or esoteric wisdom behind it. It just hurts, a lot.

Tactic 4


Uglies now travel in packs. If you find yourself surrounded by them with no means of escape their is a powerful spell you can chant but I warn you, use it only in a time of life or death. Misuse of this spell could cause devastating effects to the ecosystem and global warming. Simply utter the phrase…

“U-G-L-Y you ain’t got no alibi. You ugly, yeah, yeah, you ugly.”

If repeated enough times the Uglies should cry and run back to their wet nurses.

We are living in dire times indeed. If our ancestors could see us now surely they would look away in shame at how close we let the Uglies encroach on our civilization. Maybe this is what the Mayan’s were referring too in their prophecy.

“In the end days, demons will walk amongst the great tortoise shell. The demons will devour the flesh of the corn. When all hope seems lost, the corn shall look to the sky. Riding a chariot of fire, Quezecoatal will descend from the heavens and vanquish the demons with rays of sunlight. The corn will then ascend into pop corn and live the rest of their days in Nirvana. Kurt Cobain will welcome them.”


3 responses to “When Uglies Attack: An In-Depth Look at the Epidemic Sweeping Our Nation

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Am i wrong?...Am i?..And the church said

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