The trailer opens up and we’re taken to a view of the night time sky where reportedly some UFO phenomena has been seen over Central Park.
This ain't ya Daddy's Smurffin Smurf flick.
I immediately lose all interest in the trailer and go off on a romp with my imagination on what would happen if the Smurfs landed in Central Park instead of flying over it. In my adaptation, the Smurfs land in Central Park and immediately have to fight off a wild and blood thirsty flock of pigeons. Sleepy Smurf doesn’t make it. Narcolepsy 1 Smurfs 0.
Enraged by the death of his brother, Grumpy Smurf arms himself with a pair of toothpicks and valiantly fights the rat birds. An unsanitary mixture of blood and breadcrumbs fly through the air as Grumpy Smurf defeats the last of the pigeons in a heroic Lord of the Rings type montage. Taking refuge in an abandoned tin can, Big Papa Smurf makes a grand speech mourning the death of Sleepy. Death does not discriminate (unless you die via a hate crime) and the Smurfs are no exception to the rule as Doepy Smurf cuts himself alongside the jagged edge of the tin can and succumbs to a deadly illness. Doc Smurf does all he can (not really) but is unable to save him. No one particularly cares however as Doepy Smurf was always a nuisance. Maybe if he hadn’t spent all his life being a jackass, pieing people in the face, someone would have given a damn.
The next day comes and Big Papa Smurf orders a scouting expedition to find food and get an overall sense of the strange land in which they’ve arrived. Sneezy Smurf, Doc Smurf, and Grumpy Smurf arm themselves with various Smurf-size debris and proceed with the mission. Meanwhile, Baby Smurf wanders out of the tin can and Big Papa Smurf goes Smurf-shit. Cursing up a storm and throwing obscene gestures, Big Papa Smurf orders Bashful Smurf to retrieve him. The camera then cuts to Big Papa Smurf as he turns his head slightly to the left, just enough to cover half his face in the shadows. And this happens.
“These fools. If Baby Smurf dies it will be the end of all Smurfen-kind as we know it; Fore he is the prophesied messiah child of Smurfdom legend.”
After Papa Smurf finishes his gloomy monologue, a scantly clad Smurfette holds her panties on the edge of her fore finger. The panties drop to the ground and she gives Papa Smuf “that look.” Papa Smurf palms his Smurf-berries and closes the tin can lid. Camera then cuts to Sneezy, Doc, and Grumpy running for their lives from an army of ants. Cutting a hard left, the Smurfs hide behind a back alley wall while the ants sniff the air for their scent. The ants are ready to give up when Sneezy Smurf sneezes and gives up their location. The ants come marching two by two as the Smurfs slowly back up towards the ally wall. There is no escape.
Just as all hope seems lost a masked, Smurf-sized man somersaults in front of the three Smurfs and single handedly defeats all the ants with Smurf-Fu. The masked man turns to the Smurfs and takes off his mask. The Smurf’s “gasp.” Behind the mask is Bashful Smurf. Bashful reveals that he is not the Bashful from this time but of the future. He then points to the vertical scar over his eye giving proof that the future is no fucking joke.
Bashful tells the Smurfs that he came back to the past to stop a wrong from happening in hopes of making the future a better place. In the future Smurfette gives Big Papa Smurf a Smurfully-transmitted-disease. The disease infects Big Papa Smurf’s mind and he goes on a murderous rampage. Only Bashful Smurf survives the tragedy. Teaching himself the ancient art of Smurf-Fu, Bashful becomes an adept warrior but his power level is still not enough to defeat Big Papa.
Central Park just got Smurfed
Luckily, the ghost of Doc Smurf comes back to the Earth to mentor Bashful every now and then and teaches Bashful how to make a time machine. The camera pans up on Future Bashful’s face as he scowls ferociously. His mouth opens to say these words, “And now that I’m back from the future, I have only one mission…KILL PAPA.”
Doc, Grumpy, and Sneezy, never having met anyone from the fucking future, don’t know whether to trust Future Bashful or not but the guy did just save them from an army of ants single handedly and that’s more than big mouth Papa Smurf ever did so they fall in line. Later that night, after successful Smurf-sex with Smurfette, Big Papa Smurf begins to cry out in pain. Smurfette reaches her hand over to comfort him only to be slapped violently to the steel floor. Grabbing his Smurf-berries, Big Papa Smurf cries out “BITCH! What did you give me?!” Before Smurfette can answer, Big Papa Smurf’s hands wrap around her neck as he violently shakes the life out of her.
Future Bashful and the the crew arrive just in time to see Big Papa Smurf snap Smurfette’s neck. “Nooooooooooo!” Screams Future Bashful as he charges towards Big Papa. The two exchange a series of beautifully choreographed maneuvers before Future Bashful is kicked back to Doc, Grumpy, and Sneezy. “I came back too late. Smurfette has already given Big Papa the virus,” exclaims Future Bashful. “So what do we–ACHOO!– do now,” asks Sneezy. “Easy,” exclaims Grumpy, “Smurf his ass up!”
The guitar riffs for “Eye of the Tiger” begin to play and Future Bashful, Doc, Grumpy, and Sneezy take battle positions opposite Big Papa Smurf. As they all charge, the screen explodes into fire with the Smurfs logo crashing into the screen. And that’s my movie trailer review of “The Smurfs.” Eat it Hollywood.