Most days I feel as if I am Nada in a world full of skin deprived, formaldehyde-faced, bug eyed, extraterrestrials. Yes they exist. These people go about their day to day trying to convince me and everyone else of their grand conspiracy. A conspiracy which has fooled mankind for ages but I have the technological shades which disrupt their tricks. I see the deceit they have implanted in us. This belief, this obedience to the sticky, icky, gooey, slimy, wet, biodegradable substance they call the condiment.
Most people walk a white line their entire life. When I ask them how they feel about condiments they cover their mouths or lie and say they like them, afraid to speak the truth. To these people I have only one thing to say, you think that by walking the white line you’re saving yourself from scrutiny but let me tell ya brother, the white line’s in the middle of the road, it’s the worst place to drive.
It’s not the people I blame though it’s the damn corporations. They’re the ones that make the golden rule which is he who has the gold makes the rules. They are the ones that are constantly bombarding our thought waves with images of a happy family pouring disgusting ranch salad dressing on a defenseless salad.
You see ranch dressing on a salad. I see someone who may have potentially skeeted on a salad.
Let me ask you this, when was the last time you ate cherries and steak at the same damn time? Never, right? Then why would you crush a bunch of cherries into a sauce, pour it on top of a steak, and call it Salisbury steak? Thank you for ruining this once delicious steak that suffered it’s entire life in inhumane living conditions, being fed shitty corn and other cows, just so it could die, have its body ripped apart, be turned into steak, and as a final diss have cherry sauce poured over its meat slab.
This cow did not go through this…
just to become this.
Don’t even get me started on chicken and waffles. That’s the most dangerous fucking game of Russian roulette I’ve ever seen. Yeah sure, you’re having a good ol time, eating your chicken, eating your waffles, but what happens when the syrup touches the chicken?! Have you ever though about that?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a bad guy. I don’t hate all condiments. I even actually like a few of em. I couldn’t tell you right now off the top of my head what they are but I’m sure they exist somewhere. Ok, got it, salt. It’s a classic, been around since the spice trades of 13areallylongtimeago, Marco Polo wrote about it and I’m sure some African probably invented it. It peps up your food and doesn’t leave it soggy at all. Yeah, salt you’re ok but mayonnaise, real fuckin’ ugly.
Maybe it’s because most of my adolescence I was forced into eating these condiments. Maybe that’s why I hate them so much now as an adult. A lot of my past is a mystery but what I do know is I got news for these corporate condiment moguls. There’s gonna be hell to pay. ‘Cause I ain’t Daddy’s little boy no more.