On Parenting

Written by a mother fucker
For a mother fucker
In attempts to initiate more responsible
Mother fuckin

Lesson 1
When you have a kid, make sure you have a mother fucking (pun intended) plan other than “I want something that looks like me” (theres an app for that: CLONES) or “I want something to love me forever” (this is why Jesus invented puppies (cats are cool too)) or “I want to continue my bloodline” (but if you thought this far ahead think further, fund a goddamn college plan or something)


Lesson 2

It’s a bad idea as a parent/guardian  to teach your kids to hate another living individual or oganism. Especially organisms that resemble what (s)he will look like once reaching maturity. The less hate you can pass on to your kid the better. Hate is nothing more than a posion that corrodes the mind, which corrodes the body ultimatly damning the soul for the eternity which we call generations.

Lesson 3
You’re kids aare not replicas of you. They have their own wills and their own dsires. As a parent you have no choice but to support their path iin lifee even if it deviates dramatically from what you intended because you are not and should not be an overseer and a child’s destiny is not to be held in bondage by your (although you mean well ) desires.

 If it sounds like I’m preaching, cool, I probably am.
If you would be so inclinded, feel free to tip me some of that sweet merciful 10%
My palms are my collection plate. 

Why This Joke Was Funny

Authors note: A few days ago I tweeted the joke “Feelin like Ernie Reyes Jr in a ninja fight #sidelines” but no one laughed. I’m assuming the joke went over everyone’s head so i’ll be taking the time today to dissect the joke so you guys can get a second opportunity to reclaim some of those cool points you lost earlier in the week.

ernie jr cover fitnessErnie Reyes Jr is an actor/martial artist who played the role of Keno in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze. Keno was left behind with Splinter during the final confrontation with Shredder because it was not his fight. Thus, he was sidelined. Here is a clip to get a better understanding.

The Coyote User Manuel (Model 2014)

Recently I’ve been offending a shit ton of people, mostly by being me, so I decided to take out my trusty, handy, dandy, notebook and create a user manual of myself, for you, so that you understand…

 

(1)

My face is retardedly gay

Not gay in the modern, homosexual sense of the word but the old timey type of gay. The type that’s happy and excited but my face needs no reason to be happy, it just always is….smirkin and shit. Usually about something funny you weren’t around for that I won’t tell you about because

 

a. you had to be there

b. its most likely a secret and while i may be a heart breaker and a soul crusher i’ll never be a rat-face snitch

 

Problem is when people catch me in this sensitive moment they mistake the smile on my face for kindness…directed at them

NO!

Don’t do that. It’s just an illusiooooooon!

The worst part is once the smile starts it can’t be stopped. It’s like a custom made filibuster for my face.

 

Realistically on most days I’m prolly trying to avoid all human contact, physical and verbal (no discrimination).  Unless I’m attracted to you, which you’ll know by the inability of my tongue to form simple words and sentences. But that’s another story for another chapter.

 

Between the Rock and the Moon

GURL

Let me put you in my video

I’m the art house

You can be my flick

No plot, no script

Just your pussy ridin my dick

Talkin bout that stag film shit

Chemical combustion underneath the sheets

Still got beady bees stuck in my teeth

I’m glistinin

Your oil

You wearin

My spunk

Fuck a feature

This montage needs a series

26 eps of late night

collisionary theory

 

GURL

You can be the pilot

I’ll be chillin on the wing

Man

I cum you squirt

Parachutin with your panties

Back to Earth

Before the Sun discovers the truth

Between Serena the moon princess

And the Coyote from planet Rock

Who danced to Jupiter jazz